your.unicorn.is.cheating.on.you.

Jan 31, 2008 at 11:23 AM
20 comments

The love life of this .tiff has been up and down the past few months to say the least. In a flurry of romantic frustration I jokingly admitted to my friend Dre that I would no longer be dating anyone from the human species ever again. Alternatively, I would choose to find my respective beaus in the largely diverse populace of mythical creatures: the likes of elusive Sirens, brawny Centaurs, and bashful Minotaurs. This works out ideally in a variety of ways but is a most successful goal as mythical creatures don't exist, thus freeing my personal torment from all relationship related drama. Furthermore, I choose not to engage with the likes of the Second Life crowd which automatically prevents me from acting inappropriately about said decision.

Dre thought this concept was rather hilarious, and being the dastardly clever friend he is, sent me the following list titled "Signs your unicorn is cheating on you". The following is an excerpt from the book Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists which also includes helpful lists such as "Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock 'n' Roll", "Future Winners of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest", and the helpful "Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters". The list was too good to not repost it here, and I am a wiser soul after reading it as I am about to embark on my magical love life of sorts:

Signs your unicorn is cheating on you
CHRISTOPHER MONKS, National Post Published: Friday, January 19, 2007
- Seems emotionally distant and uninterested
- Wears fancier tail ribbons
- Starts working out at the gym
- Quickly closes its laptop when you walk into its enchanted den
- Credit card bill full of charges to area elf lodges
- The "three Cs": confrontation, criticismand complaints
- Every time you say the word "magic," it sighs forlornly
- Is making a movie with Angelina Jolie

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[this is good]

Sounds like my decision to only date fictional British secret agents.

Also, from here on out anytime someone asks me why I left Linden, I'm sending them that link.

[this is good]

Fictional British secret agents admittedly sound much more alluring than mythical creatures... especially if they're named James Bond (the Daniel Craig version)

[this is good]

Unicorn Lub Broke my <3

...bashful Minotaurs? Is that a pun?

I think humans are probably the worst thing you could date, aside from everything else.

twas certainly a pun :D

[this is good]

:-).

I think fictional British secret agents is probably a bad idea. They tend to have a lot of unprotected sex and, being fictional, they have a much wider array of STDs they can suffer from. Trust me when I say you do NOT want a case of Hot Dog Fingers.

Also, do you really want to have to sit through a breakup conversation with Austin Powers someday? Going to jail for murdering someone with a penis pump isn't going to help anyone.

Stick with mythological creatures. I think my neighbor two doors down is a Keebler elf. While he's a bit old, I think he might have a son who is part Liger!!

[this is good]

I have a thing for mystically-ambiguous elf-sons.

That explains your attraction to Michael Cera.

- is telling you it needs to get its life together and will need time for itself. haha

oh mah gosh, lol

[this is good]

OMG. YOU ARE CBBF (cyber best best friend)

.tiff replied to Valley Girl Intelligentsia’s comment:
Jan 31, 2008
Reply

[this is good]

CBBF4EVARZ

i smiled all through your post...:) ...so are unicorns male or fem? hmmmm O.o

OK, way too young for such a cynical attitude ...let's dissect this situation:

Signs your unicorn is cheating on you
CHRISTOPHER MONKS, National Post Published: Friday, January 19, 2007
- Seems emotionally distant and uninterested
That's men - read "Men are from Mars" - men & women ARE opposites so quit expecting women-like behavior from men. (It really is a good book, I was skeptical) We'll talk about things when we're ready!
- Wears fancier tail ribbons
If a guy is still "primping" you are NOT the one - it's OK, you're saving a lot of grief later no matter how painful it seems now ... trust me.
- Starts working out at the gym
Again, unless he already did that OR is has expressed his concern about his health, we are not that vain ...unless he's really young ...see above primping comment.
- Quickly closes its laptop when you walk into its enchanted den
Ask if you can watch the porn with him; makes you (blank)! ... if this doesn't turn him on, he's chatting with someone else - bolt immediately!
- Credit card bill full of charges to area elf lodges
If you are checking credit cards, text messages, phone bills, etc. than you are just postponing what you already know --- hurt goes away quicker young and get harder - a lot harder. Girls like "bad boys" but make sure he's ready to just be "bad" with you :-)
- The "three Cs": confrontation, criticism and complaints
Have a fight or two -- however, if either are trying to "change" the other or compare to someone else, this is a no-go.
- Every time you say the word "magic," it sighs forlornly
Hmmm... "magic" changes with time as does being together. Being together 10 years IS NOT supposed to be the same as when you first met .. you'll have "bad years" instead of "bad days" but that's what you're together for. If it's not, shame on whoever!!!
- Is making a movie with Angelina Jolie
Estella Warren has better lips and Grace Park is way hotter ... AJ's f...g nuts anyway.

Post note: I was married to a women who made me want to wake up and breathe just to be with her no matter what. When that leaves, some never recover. Choose wisely, work, fight, love but honor your commitment no matter how small - it's worth it when it works!!!

I want to still believe!

@Craig: Please refrain from advising my friend from overlooking these serious problems. If you knew her, you'd know that that damned unicorn has been a constant source of stress and sadness for her. Plus, he totally just shits wherever he wants. She's better off without him, and some of us know a totally hot griffon we want to hook her up with.

I think i made quite an effort for one to NOT overlook anything?

Furthermore, i was just replying to the post of Christopher Monk ... lighten up.

[this is good]

I'm sorta wondering when Craig is going to ask tiff if he can sew her skin into a suit.

If he keeps asking to make a suit out of your skin, ask yourself if you're being intimate enough with him. What are you doing that's causing that behavior. If he truly cares about nothing other than tucking back his balls and wearing you while he dances around, then maybe it's time to move on.

your.unicorn.is.cheating.on.you.

Signs your unicorn is cheating on you

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